Thursday, August 26, 2010


Do you ever find yourself saying things to yourself that you would never say to anyone else? Accusing yourself of weaknesses or flaws that you would most likely never notice in someone else much less actually sit down and itemize? I must admit I have been a partaker in this highly destructive female ritual, although I truly have tried to break the cycle of self-destruction over the last few years!

My most recent personal attack has come as the result of a workout regime called P90X. It is an intense 90 day program that will make you realize you have muscles in places you didn't even know muscles could exist. There have been days when I get done and attempt to mount the stairs from the basement that the handrail is my very best friend! I have hoisted myself to daylight on more than one occasion, only to descend those very stairs the next day, submitting myself willfully to Tony Horton and his torturous ways.

Tim and I started this journey together along with Benji and I clearly laid out my conditions of participation before the first DVD had begun to play. My familial caution went something like this...

If I even sense that you are making fun of me or mocking my abilities...I will not be responsible for my response!

I am pretty certain I made myself clear and my men have been only too kind to abide my request (threat?)! Unfortunately the one I am having trouble with is myself! I have been keeping a journal since beginning and this is an excerpt from it...

I am finding my self-speak has taken a hit some days and I must make a conscious effort to speak words of life and encouragement to myself instead of condemnation. Why is that so hard? Why is it so much easier to encourage others and see their progress while privately mocking one’s own?

The very work I am trying to be successful in is the one I stand to single-handedly sabotage by my own negative thoughts and self-doubt. My inability to lose weight may yet become a reality once again because of my lack of ability to corral my thoughts and steer them down the path of life!

Just as I choose to go down and punch play on that DVD, I must choose to look myself in the mirror and breathe life on myself! I must choose to focus on the positives and the progress I have made so far. I must choose to be the very best cheerleader for myself that I would be for anyone else who might show up in my basement to huff and puff along with me.

I am strong in ways I never thought I would be. I can perform push-ups in spite of never really having done them previously in any of my 46 years. I have endurance that has surprised me and sheer grit and determination that I didn't know I had. Now if I can just translate that as easily into my mental state of being as I have my physical state of being, I just may surprise myself one day when I look into the mirror!!


  1. Ouch! (in several ways). Love you, girl. This speaks to me in ways I wish it didn't...thanks for the challenge! Xoxo

  2. Barb - this is an awesome post! And not only for the physical, but also for ANY way that we are struggling to walk victoriously! Thanks for these gentle words of wisdom!